This is something that I want to write about because it is something that I have been personally working on and I have seen others close to me working on these same notions of "honesty" and "integrity".
It seems like it's been the theme for the week.
As a woman, and as a Filipina/Asian American woman, these two words and their meanings can often be misconstrued or interpreted differently.
What I mean by this is that, we are often raised to please everyone, but ourselves.
When I was growing up, I was raised to please my parents.
Being a singer, a dancer, an artist, a pianist, or a performer was not what my parents wanted of me. They could be hobbies, but definitely not a career. So, I had to change careers and find something else I was good at.
Then, in my relationships, I wanted to please my boyfriends.
I took care of them, I sacrificed for them, I always thought about them and put them before me.
Sure, this would make me a great girlfriend or great wife someday, right?
As with my friends, I take care of them, I dedicate my time to them, I go out of my way to spend time with them and help them when they need me and even when they don't.
Sure, I make a great friend right?
Wrong.
Everyone is happy in the end.
Everyone,
but me.
I've prioritized my friends and relationships over my family.
I've switched jobs many times, trying to find what truly makes me happy.
I've held resentment towards my parents for not supporting me with what I truly wanted to do and blamed them inside for not allowing me to be the artist that I really am.
I've held resentment towards my brother who was the academic and the model child, with whom they also wanted me to be, growing up.
I've been thru relationships that did not work because I prioritized them over me and often times lost myself in the process.
With men who had gained many things from me and with me, losing just more of myself.
I told my friends what I thought they should do, I did things for my friends, above and beyond what I should have done, and in the end realized, I was doing more harm by not empowering them and enabling them to find the answers on their own.
Because I wanted to be giving, I wanted to not be selfish, I wanted to make everyone else happy.
These are good traits, to be selfless.
But there are times, when I also need to learn how to say "no" and be able to set boundaries for myself and be able to let go.
There are times when I have to be honest with myself, and hold on to my integrity
even if it will make a loved one upset.
I have to constantly remind myself that in the end it is my life
and that everyone around me are active members involved and engaged in helping me push my life's mission and purpose forward.
But if I do not allow that process to happen and if I do not honor myself
then I will achieve nothing, I will accomplish nothing.
Others will benefit, but I will have nothing to prove or show at the end of the day.
These are some of the hardest lessons for me to swallow and apply to my everyday routine.
Being honest with myself and holding on to my integrity are not easy things for me.
But I'm working on it and trying to be better at it.
I'm more upfront and straightforward with how I really feel and think about things in my job, with my parents slowly, and soon, with my brother, when I have the courage to confront our issues face to face.
I'm more honest with my friends when it comes to what I can or cannot do and what I can or cannot provide.
I'm trying to be more honest with the men in my life with what it is I truly want and need from a relationship in order to be happy and if it is not there, I am also honest with what I can do without.
I'm even trying to be more honest with myself and if I do not have the energy to dance today, study today, cook today, clean today, workout today, or talk to anyone today and I just want to rest, then I will rest.
Because I'm tired at times, and I get exhausted
and my body, and my spirit, and my mind are telling me that I need to rest and take care of myself.
And so I do, because I know I have to and that's just being honest.
Because I am slowly realizing, that in order to make others truly happy,
then I have to make myself truly happy.
In order to keep the people that are close to me,
I have to be honest and hold on to my integrity.
And if I lose people along the way, it's because they never knew the real me anyway
and the ones that remain have known the true me all along and were just waiting for me to find me and figure it out.
Those are the ones that will remain by my side no matter what changes I endure, what hardships I face, what obstacles I have to cross or climb over.
Because they want to honor the real me, like I should honor the real me
In order to be truly happy.
That's the meaning of "honesty" and "integrity" to me.
A work in progress.
I may not always get it right
but at least I'm trying
to bring out the fullest extension of my capabilities and my true potential
to bring out the real me.
